Dream

Ok, I just had a weird dream. I was working for a restaurant and it was shortly before closing. I got slammed and was trying to get to all of my tables. I look up and my ex, Chris, was at my section with his parents. I guess he didn't know I was working there and I panicked. I was so busy I had someone else pick it up for me, but he did in fact see me. This is an ex I still never really got over but in real life he did recently get married. His wife wasn't in my dream (go figure). He didn't say anything to me, he didn't smile at me, he didn't scowl at me. He was pretty indifferent but he did nod his head in my direction. I ended up in a school that looked similar to my old high school and I was there for some meeting. I was sitting with Erin McShane talking to her about the situation when Nessa came up to me because she overheard what happened. Despite the fact that she hasn't talked to me in almost a year, she asked me a few questions about what happened with Chris being in the restaurant like nothing happened with us. Other stuff happened like big wolf dogs (like in the Eclipse movies), big wrestlers posing to take pictures with me and whatnot.  It was just a weird dream and although it was uncomfortable, I do wish it would happen.

Oh dear

Written at 9:38 am. Posted 2:34 am (simply because I worked a double)

Last night around 1:30 I noticed that the internet was acting up, but I was really tired and didn't really think anything of it. Once I woke up around 9, I noticed I couldn't do anything. Cable wasn't working either. I swear, this happens once to twice a month in this house. I know Daylan said his bills were due around the first of the month, but did he just not pay for last month? Is that why they shut it off the second day of the month? In his defense, this does happen a lot and not just with the cable. It can be a sunny day outside but if the wind is blowing hard, then the power goes off. That happens a lot.

Reason number 1,664 I want to leave this god forsaken place.

However Daylan is notorious for telling me after I send him a text that he has to go to the store after work and pay the bill. Ha, speaking of the devil, he just sent me a text as I started to write all this saying "I'll stop by to pay it and I'm taking the dvr in the bedroom back since it never worked."

Well at least it's not the power. I forgot to charge my phone last night and had the power gone out, my "sleep in" alarm clock would have never gone off. Sleeping in is 9:30. I am normally awake by 8. With how often we lose power on a random occasion, that would suck. It especially sucks when on the rare occasion it rains we lose power. That happened the last two times it rained. Once was at night. I need power to charge my phone and we need power so the stuff in the fridge doesn't spoil. I woke up to rain and once again, no power. Oh let's not forget how I don't have cell phone reception in the lake house but I do when I get off Red Bluff Rd and get on Knickerbocker (one of the main roads in town which is five minutes away from the house).

Reason number 1,527.

What place loses power everytime it rains or gets windy?

I am not a family oriented person, at all. I  have never understood how one can keep in touch with family on such a constant basis. I love Daylan's mom but I have never understood how he could call her every other day on his way to work. It boggled my mind that Tom never cut the apron strings with his family. In fact, he is going to be 28 and is still living with his parents. He only lived away from them for two years of his entire life; one was spent married to me and one was with him in basic training and whatnot. After the separation, he moved back in with his parents. He is now re-married and the new wife is living with them as well.

My dad has been emailing me every few days regarding this move and it's torture to me. We have already discussed the issue. It's like beating a dead horse with a stick thinking the horse will get up. I already know the game plan and I wish he would leave it alone. He also keeps drilling into me that I need to work out my issues with my mother. Him going on and on and on about it isn't making me want to run into my mother's arms and patch things up with her any faster.

The thing is, he is now sending me more emails because I stopped responding to them. How many times can I answer the same questions? I went six months without talking to them and I was completely fine with it. I hope they don't think that just because I am moving back means I am going to talk to them every day.

Take a sip, turn the page and zzzzzzz

A new nightly tradition may be in the works. Lately I've been looking forward to reading Gone With The Wind in bed (since apparently it's the only place I read it), with a glass of wine. The wine helps me wind down and makes it easier for me to sleep. I don't have to take my sleeping pills as much. Granted it's just Barefoot Moscato but hey this is a big step for me. I only like this and two other kinds of wine. Oh, and it seems as though I've been blogging every night before I go to bed as well.

I was originally trying to watch movies on my laptop in bed, but I found that I wanted to pay attention too much so I could see where I left off on. That just seemed to be counter productive so I opted to not do that anymore. I tried to listen to music, but I noticed that I would wake up whenever the songs changed over or there was a song that I really liked. Sometimes music helps, but it has to be something long and/or continuous like classical or techno. Why techno? Because an entire cd will sound like one long song if it is smooth enough. I love techno remixes (the kind with lyrics) but the effortless transitional kinds of techno go great with me when it comes to going to sleep. I can't detect where one song begins and the other one ends.  I'm just really out of touch with techno. I tried to do the audio book as I slept, since it's Daylan's thing, but I want to pay attention to the story too much. What I have noticed works is if I am reading in bed. For some reason, despite the fact that I love to read, it always makes me drowsy even if the book is phenomenal. Add wine to it, and it seems like the perfect recipe to give me first class tickets to dream land.

Now I'm not saying that this is a bad tradition to keep, but I do find it interesting that I have been doing this. Oh, I added twenty something new songs to my playlist so those of you who don't mute it, you should enjoy some of it.

What does everyone else seem to do right before they go to bed?

What Baby wants, Baby gets.

Well Daylan and I got into a fight last night.

I went to Walmart to get out of the house for a little while and he stayed at home to play video games. While I was walking around, a question popped in my head and I wanted to ask before I forgot it. The following conversation was completely via text while I was walking around trying to find the deals I was looking for (to no avail). It all started when I asked him when we were going to move me to Florida. It was more a specific time in the day than a specific day. It started at 7:49pm.

Me: So when are we going to Florida?
Him: Dunno yet, I still need to request off but I'd like to wait until the 15th.
Me: .........I told you about the fact that I put my two week notice in almost two and a half weeks ago. So you want me to wait almost two weeks later to move? And you still haven't put it in the books?!
Him: I'll wait till you get home since I'm not going to be able to get in word in anyways.
Me: Damn right you won't be able to! Go ask if you can borrow money from your dad and pay him back when you get your check! I told the lawyer my last day of work was the 4th. My last day of work IS the 4th. You want me to sit around the house for two weeks?! I will be getting it from my lawyer and my parents if I am not there when I would I would be. I told you when I put my notice in! (Hell, his dad owes us big time anyway with the headaches we have had to endure and the money we have lost. If you don't remember, here is your reminder courtesy of me.)
Him: I have told Joe already that I'm going to take you back to Florida. The request book hasn't been in the store for two weeks. (How is that my fault? So I have to suffer and sit at the house because the request off book wasn't there for TWO WHOLE WEEKS?)
Me: And it never occurred to you to call or text Joe and see where it was? Really? And have you even tried, for longer than a night, to find a job in Florida or did you stop after that one night? Knowing you, you didn't even continue to look and have been telling everyone that "there aren't any jobs there."
Him: I know where it is. Priscilla has it (Joe's wife. Go figure.)
Me: You didn't think to ask Joe to grab it since she obviously doesn't need it for a full two weeks?
Him: I'm not going to argue with you and I'm not going to be talked to like this.
Me: Oh so you'd rather I sit in the house, unemployed, for two weeks explaining to people in Florida that I can't be there because YOU failed to get the time off required to help me get to Florida? Fuck you! You have know about this! I asked you about this and you said it was ok. I also asked you to find a job in Florida because I do not ever want to come back to San Angelo, ever. There isn't anything here and clearly you will never advance at that damn store. They refuse to pay you your bonus checks for the past year and a half but CLEARLY none of that matters.
Him: I will get time off. I wanted to wait so I would have enough money to go to Florida. (So what has he been doing with his money this past month?)
Me: So borrow money and pay them back when you get your check. I'm sure Grammie will understand.
Him: Since most of my bills are due at the beginning of the month.
Me: And you fucking failed to mention that to me two weeks ago when I put my notice in?!? You told me I had 30 days to find a job in Florida so I picked a date, told you and then told you when I finally put my notice in. Christ you are unreal!
Him: Riiiight. This coming from you. (And if I wasn't already pissed to the point of seeing red, this comment surely would have got me there.)
Me: Hey I have made the effort to get my shit together to leave this god forsaken place when you told me there was a deadline. What have you done other than get screwed by Sonic? Why didn't you tell me before I put in my notice to postpone it because of the bills especially when I have told you the conversations with my dad and with the lawyer. Now I have to say "Whoops! I lied!"
Him: We will go to Florida the weekend after you quit.

That ended at 8:33pm.

Now to some of you that will seem over the top but there are reasons behind why I was so upset. I have a meeting scheduled to meet face-to-face with my lawyer after I move there to discuss how mediation is going to go. I can't just reschedule that again and possibly postpone mediation. That looks bad on me. I was supposed to be back in Florida last September. Then I said I would be there in January. Then I said I would be there in May. I can't keep postponing it. Let's not mention the fact that there has been a lack of communication on Daylan's end. He knew my last day was the beginning of the month.

Another reason I was so upset. Cheddars has been hiring a bunch of new staff and within a week most of them will be on the floor by themselves. Who knows if there will be room for me on the floor plan after the 4th! I would be in the area for two weeks unable to pick up shifts because I'd be an extra begging people to have their sections so they could go home. Had I known about this from the beginning, I would have taken the  two week notice and adjusted the date so that I wouldn't run into this problem. I talked to two of my managers today and they said my continuing to pick up shifts shouldn't be a problem. Neither of them saw any reason as to why that should be a problem, especially since they aren't going to want a ton of new people on the floor at the same time. I may have only been there for five or six months, but I still don't require a lot of attention and it's fairly easy to work with me. I'm going to fail to mention any of that to Daylan. He obviously left vital information out so I am going to make him think that there wasn't any more room for me since I said the 4th was my last day at work. He is oblivious to most things anyway. Maybe next time he will make it a point to not leave important details out since my finances are involved in that too.

Oh, that night I got a letter from my lawyer telling me that my mediation date is September 26th and that if I was unable to make it, it was imperative to call him but that not making that meeting, or postponing it, would be an unwise decision on my part. I agree 100%.

Yes I was mean and yes I let him have it but in the end, he saw my point. I refused to talk to him when I got home and I practically threw the pizza and cookies he had been bugging me for (for the past day) on the counter. He later hugged me and said that I wasn't allowed to text like that when I was away ever again.

All I care about is that I won the argument, got my point across and got my way. As it should be. ;)

Is this so out of reach?

I just read that two of my best friend's are going to be great uncles. They are 30, their nephew and his girlfriend, both of which are 18 are living with them and the nephew announced his girlfriend's pregnancy. It wasn't that long ago that this same 18 year old boy was engaged to another girl but that relationship ended around the beginning of the year (shortly after the engagement).

I know they were having sex because they were living together, but is birth control such a foreign option? If she was on it, she wouldn't be pregnant. I do understand that some still get pregnant on it because it's not 100% but part of me is screaming, in the back of my mind, that they are so stupid and irresponsible! They are only 18! It's going to take longer to do what they want to do with their lives and it will be harder. Having a child isn't a death penalty and their lives may in fact be better because of this baby but why at 18?

Do they plan on getting their own place now? Are they going to get married? Are they even going to stay together? Will they be able to provide for this child? Was she on birth control and they both decided she should stop so they could in fact have a baby?

It's not just them; it's so many teens. I thought my hometown was bad about teenage pregnancies but San Angelo is far worse. We have a hostess that is 17 and has a 2yr old son. She was pregnant at 14! We have another hostess who is 17 and is 22 weeks pregnant. Was it so difficult to get on the pill? I don't know about San Angelo, but the health department in Fort Walton could let you be on the pill free of charge and they even give you a small paper bag full of condoms for every visit. You could get them free! I do realize that in the heat of the moment, you can forget to put a condom on but that is why birth control is a great back-up plan.

Yes, I was pregnant at 19 but it was because I got off my pill too soon before Chris went off to basic training. Had I just paid for the extra cycle and stayed on it for two months after he would have left, I would have been fine. And of course had I believed my separated husband was using a condom whenever I was drunk, I would have been ok. Now I'm on an IUD so I don't have any surprises. (Yes I do in fact want another pregnancy but surprises just can't be in the equation at the moment). Those two instances, I was on birth control but stopped it too soon because I didn't see the point on being on the pill when my boyfriend was going to be away at a military college halfway across the country. I was also still legally married to my separated husband and we were trying to work things out.

Yes, I may sound like a hypocrite but I also didn't keep those babies because I KNEW that it would be a bad idea and I was on birth control for four years before the first pregnancy.

Is it really so difficult to avoid pregnancy? No. Actually, it's very easy.

Are you ready for the answers you are searching (ahem snooping) for?

I just finished watching Little Black Book on Netflix. I suddenly had a bug and wanted to watch something from Britney Murphy, even though I was not really a fan. It was cute, but it was not something I would buy. It was a mediocre comedy, which wasn't really funny as it was awkward.

For those who haven't seen it, the main character, Stacy,  is with a guy for a year. They move in together and she lands a job for a talk show. She has to watch shows at home to learn the format when her boyfriend's ex girlfriend, who conveniently happens to be a supermodel, is one of the people on the show. Stacy is blown away by the fact that her average boyfriend dated a supermodel and failed to even mention it to her. He keeps beating around the bush, which makes Stacy wonder exactly why he hid this from her. If it wasn't a big deal, why make the obvious effort to hide it?

She decides to go through his cell phone, which all this was before the iPhones were out, and discovers quite a bit about her guy. She schedules interviews with these ex girlfriends and pretends that they are going to be part of the show that she is employed for and gets personal information about these woman, especially when it comes to her boyfriend. Information such as the fact that he meets up with one ex, who is a gynocologist, so she can have regular visits with the dog, Bob. He frequently meets up with another, who really was the love of his life. He had her meet his parents and go on vacations together when Stacy has never met them because he "doesn't bring girls home". The ex also didn't know about Stacy because he never mentioned that he was in a relationship. They promised they wouldn't mention anyone else unless the other relationship was serious while Stacy is living with her boyfriend and has been with him for a year. Or was it that she stayed there all the time and practically lived there? Either way, the ex didn't even know he was dating someone....at all. Stacy begins to find lots of lies and inconsistencies which ultimately leads her to the realization that while she loves her boyfriend and he is a great guy, they just aren't meant to be together. He is meant to be with one of the ex's that Stacy grows to love, so she lets him go.

Of course all this is live and on the air for the tv show she works for.

Many people would say that she got what was coming to her. "If it's not broke, don't fix it." I see more behind the story. She really did like this guy and when a little red flag came up, her woman's intuition chimed in. It did ultimately break up her relationship but it solved a lot of questions. It also ultimately helped him answer some own questions in his mind. Are you supposed to ignore your mind when it tries to figure something like that out? Wouldn't you want to know? Ignorance is not always bliss. There are things that we need to know. And she made a good point. "No, you don't have to tell me everything, but shouldn't you want to tell me everything? If we are sharing our lives together, why aren't we sharing our lives together?" No one is going to be comfortable with the fact that their lover still talks to their ex (or exes) but we certainly don't want to find out that it's been going on in secret. And shouldn't your partner want to share the fact that they've been seeing someone?

In the end, I watched the movie and thought that it could have been done so much better, but the point was still made. Kudos on the message but the delivery needed a hell of a lot of work.

I need mind reading capabilities

People will always view you differently. Some will like you and some will hate you. Part of that merely is circumstantial but most of it is based on how you act and present yourself. If I were to go into other people's minds, what would I discover? I often wonder what the general consensus about me is. Am I really quiet? Do I talk too much? Am I weird? Am I pretty? Am I annoying? 

I often wonder what people think about me when I am at work. What do my tables think about me? My bosses? My co-workers? What I would learn doesn't mean I would change who I am or my behavior unless it was something that was a necessary change. It would just be a means of satisfying my curiosity. I really am a curious person. Trust me, I'm sure I won't like everything I hear but it certainly would be amusing to hear most of what people have to "say".

Besides, think of how much easier it would be to get jobs, raises/promotions etc. Muhahahaha.

That stupid monkey wrench

Yesterday I seemed to run into a snag with my plans which sent me into a panic attack right as I was going to work. I try to do my important phone calls in town because my house does not get good reception to anyone except friends like Dennis and Cory. I typically try to do two things at once by driving to work as I try to get business done.

With time running out, I called the unit that Dennis looked at and wanted to ask them a few more questions before I settled. The problem with working these extra shifts is that I haven't had the time to do the things I've been needing to do BUT I need more money to move. The lady at the rental property said that her and her company do not rent to people unless they have had three months of active work within the area.....

How am I supposed to do that when I'm not even IN the state of Florida?

How does that work with people who are transferring jobs. They have the work experience in the state or city that they were in but obviously they are moving because their job transferred them. So if that was the case, with the three rental properties I called, how does one rent? Do they stay in an extended stay hotel until then?

I called another place for a unit that was $600 a month.....which is the max I can pay living on my own. Between rent, all the utilities, food, gas for the car, cell phone, car insurance, car payments...I am worried I can afford even that much. This company said that they were flexible with this but that they required the renter to have three times the rent in their account at a time. He said something else but the connection on my phone was going in and out. I'm pretty sure he was explaining what would happen if I was late on rent or something.

I emailed my father to see if he knew of any ways to get past this loop hole. I said some places I looked into were not in the best parts of Fort Walton. I know these places aren't good because the reputation of these areas are not.....charming. I also said some places were out in Crestview or Defuniak. My dad agreed that I should stay away from areas I am not comfortable in even if the price is right because I do not want to have my place broken into. He said with all the military people coming into town, Crestview will be full and while Defuniak is a good place to live, as well as up and coming, the drive will be taxing. My car doesn't get great gas mileage, despite the year of it, and with gas prices still at $3.68, it will be expensive for me to live out there.

His suggestion was that I stay in the cabin in Freeport for the course of a month but I had to work full time to find a job. It's so I can save up money again because this move is going to deplete what I've saved up so far. I think it is the best solution but now the hassle goes to finding a job.

Daylan finally updated my resume for me but he didn't change the cell phone number. Once he emails it to me again, he can get on my computer and save it into the hard drive so that I can email it out to companies. Online applications don't seem to be doing me any good. All I am getting is emails saying that my application is in review and thanking me for my interest to work within their company. Restaurants keep telling me that they will fax an application to me, but only 1/3 of them have. How is this a bad thing? I do not understand how this is a problem. They aren't even losing the paper. Yes I do understand I am not in the area and they would feel for comfortable if I was there, but I can't just move back without a job. It took forever to find a job here once I moved. I can't afford to go through that again so this time I am just going to go with restaurant jobs since I will probably find one faster. I don't want another one, but I finally had to cave once I got desperate here. Sure enough, in three or four days, I had a job and I had the job right when I put the application back in. This time I will just say screw it, apply as a waitress and see if I can find something better as a second job later down the line.

Now the question I am struggling with today is do I pick up a morning shift. With Daylan at work, and most restaurants not open till 11, I am debating this. I could use the money on this shift for this morning but I do need to have an afternoon to find a job. I could go in at 4 and continue to call restaurants to fax over applications but they just haven't been cooperating with me. I can't send the resume till he can rig it to where I can do that. I'm not tech-savy so I can not do this on my own. I do have tomorrow afternoon/evening off and all day Monday. So do I work and make extra money or do I try to continue to find a job for before the move???


God, I am pretty sure I am going to pick up a morning shift. If only he had changed my cell phone number on my resume! This is when I wish we had a fax machine at the lake house. We use to. This wouldn't be nearly the hassle. I do understand that people are hesitant on hiring me because I am not in Florida right now. They would feel more comfortable knowing I already made that move and can see me as I ask for applications. They would be comfortable but it doesn't make ME more comfortable.

**Update**
I just called and Eric said there are no open sections but I can call back at noon to see if anyone called out, didn't show up or wants to go home. Part of me was sad when he said no but part of me was happy. Then part of me was sad when he said to try again at noon while part of me was excited. I'm just so stressed out about this whole ordeal that I am not sure HOW I feel.

Someone already came up with the idea in the movie, so now they need to create it.

You wake up in the middle of the night and realize you just had a wicked, vivid dream. You go to the restroom and then stop off in the kitchen for a drink of water. Within those two or three minutes, you have forgotten the dream entirely. You can only remember one or two details about the dream and even that is pushing it because you can't be sure you just made that up or not. In all actuality, dreams are things your brain makes up anyway.

What is it with most dreams you wake up forgetting them but there are always a few that you remember? I still remember the dream I had about my high school classmate creating an R&B group called LULZ and wearing American flag pants. I still remember a dream about Taylor Lautner taking me on a tour of a cruise ship because I won a contest. Is it because I blogged about it? I don't know but I woke up remembering enough of the dream to be able to blog about it.

Once again, I wish we had a dream recorder like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Every dream you have would be recorded. You could wake up and watch whatever you dreamed about on a screen that you could pause, fast forward or rewind as often as you like. It would be so interesting to see what you dream of every night. Maybe we could finally understand why we only remember a handful of the dreams we have. It would be helpful for those who claim to never remember dreams at all.

What use is a dream journal is you don't remember what it is that you are supposed to be writing about?

It's 3am, so now it's time to go back to sleep. I have to be awake in five more hours. I picked up two shifts tomorrow, but even if I had the day off, I'd still have to wake up in five hours. Goodnight.

Blogging overload

There is just so much stuff going on inside my head. I already went a year without blogging and there are things that I remember that I wish I hadn't forgot so now I am on a blogging overload because there is just so much going on!

I'm packing things up, I'm looking for furniture online, I'm looking (again) at the wedding dress I want and suddenly that voice in my head goes off and says "Isn't it about time for another baby?"

What the hell? I tell that voice "Didn't I tell you last year that I am still waiting. Two more years and I don't want to hear another squeak from you." Yes, I am home alone at the moment so Daylan doesn't think I've gone even more insane than I already have. I was reading a this blog, once again, this morning and laughed to the point of tears. Oh, there is an update which now makes me want to have a Beyonce of my own. So while Daylan is almost convinced that I have lost my mind, he would be looking up institutions if he had just heard me talk to myself telling myself to basically shut the hell up.

What does my mind end up saying? "SQUEAK bitch! It's time for an effin baby!"

Thank goodness my irresponsible mind can't sabotage the plans I've set for myself and take the IUD out earlier than planned.  Don't get me wrong, I really want to have another baby but not right now. It's been taking up a lot of realty inside my head lately. Right now I have other stuff I need to plan for, save for and do before I go down that path again like a wedding, furniture and whatnot. Take that you stupid brain!

And the blame goes to......Kristen ::insert applause::

Rather than doing online applications, as I should be doing, Kristen started to talk to me about wedding dresses. She was telling me that she was going to get professionally measured, try on certain dress styles to see if she would like how they would look on her and then would order a dress online and have it custom made. It's exactly what I was wanting to do.

I ended up finding a dress that was perfect for me, but the link went down. I did find a dress very similar to what it was that I wanted and I found almost all the accessories to go with it. So I'll go ahead and post them here because I do not want to lose these links again. I'm still working on trying to copy the images but the sites are being a pain about it.

The wedding dress looks a lot like a french maid style dress but the one I saw was a little more rock and roll than this. The back also had one corset rather than two. Otherwise the dress is almost identical. It's so me since I am a little out of the box with my personality. Rather than do a tiara, I wanted to wear this crown instead. Scroll down to HG0062. Yeah it looks a little cheap, but if I could fine one that looks very similar to that that doesn't look like plastic, then I would get it. I mean how bad ass is that? I haven't seen a lot of women get married in a crown. It's always a tiara with a veil. I do want a veil, but it just would not go with this kind of dress, at all. Until I find something, like a 20's style veil or something, I'll just go without.These rockstar gloves could in fact go with the dress, but it still seems a little off since the dress itself looks a little too much like a french maid, but I do like the concept. These fingerless gloves seem more like what the dress is going for, except they would be black. I like the idea of having gloves but it would be difficult to put rings on my hands unless they are in fact fingerless. I could go with a basic black choker but once again it would look like a french maid, so I am thinking of going this route. This gothic necklace seems to have a Victorian feel, and it could go very well with the dress itself. To me it looks a royal, which is what I am going for; rock star royalty. Since I don't want to appear prissy, how about this ring to go with it? LOL I actually like it.

So many people would think that this is over the top but I've already been married once. Why go the white dress route? Since when do I do what everyone else does? Don't get me wrong, there are so many gorgeous dresses out there that I would like to try on and get pictures taken in, but they aren't MY dress. This seems more like me. I'm sure many people (such as my parents, Daylan grandparents etc) would have a heart attack, but it's not like this dress is really sexy. I mean it is, but I'm not showing anything.

I just haven't decided if I will wear heels or not. Probably not since I am hoping the dress will be long enough to not show my feet and I do plan on having the dress be semi-poofy with a train underneath. Not a long train, but long enough. Since the dress I want is black and white, I guess the bridesmaid's dresses with be dark green. I was wanting to do green and silver but I hadn't decided on a dark green or a mint green. Dark green would go better with my dress. I've been tackling that option for a year now, and it's amazing how I suddenly made the decision without any kind of a headache :)

I was going to go with this hair style, but now that I found the dress I want (and it will have a crown) I guess I may have to find another look. Or perhaps just see if I can alter this look a little. I've never been good with hair styles LOL.

So what will go inside of it? Part 2.

I rather like this idea of my picking up shifts whenever I feel like it. I pretty much am working only single shifts so far. LOL. Thursday at 11:30. Friday and Saturday night at 4 (although I'm sure I'll be there at 11 as well), and Sunday at 10:15. For the past week, with the horrible exception of Saturday, I've been doing pretty well at work. Go figure, right when I am finally making some noticable money, I have to leave ::rolls eyes::. I guess that is just how it is.

So I've been back to craigslist to see the kind of stuff I will have to get once I get an apartment. This is the list so far: couch, loveseat, coffee table, end table(s), washer, dryer, space heater and possible a portable dishwasher. I didn't know they had such a thing! Most apartments don't have dishwashers (although the one I am looking at does) so having something like this would be a lifesaver! It's just enough for a few plates, a few glasses and some silverware so it's good for two people.

Of course everything I am looking at is used and cheap, but you know what, as long as it works it will do until I can afford to buy brand new stuff. I wasn't expecting to move again so I did give some stuff away and it is rude to ask for it back. I do have to replace some things so I have to be frugal about it. As long as I can see the stuff and fiddle with it a bit, I will be able to judge if it is worth spending money on. Good thing my dad and brother have a truck!

Anyway, this is my updated link list of stuff. Be sure to tell me what you think :)

Couch/Loveseat:
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2559026566.html---L shaped couch for $250 (but this may be too large for most apartment living rooms)
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2557202145.html---Red couch that converts into a sleeper sofa $75 but still needs a loveseat.
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2536648838.html---Both recline, which is nice, and while it is convenient for the love seat to have cup holders, it does look tacky BUT it does match! And it's red. I think I've set my mind that I want red.
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2503499432.html---$450 which is pricey but they are nicer. They aren't sleeper sofas and they don't recline (which isn't necessary anyway) but they do in fact match. It isn't a bad deal for a couch AND love seat.

Coffee table:
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2542768594.html---$80. I can always stain the wood darker, like espresso or cherry, to suit my liking. It won't look so cheap. I love this because it has a shelf underneath so I can use my coffee table books that I bought JUST for something like this.
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2554988641.html---$100 for the table and two end tables. It's a lot of color which would work with any room BUT I do have a carpet with a lot of color so I am pretty sure this will be out. I'm still keeping it as an option.
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2522385777.html---$80. This is classy. I can match it with anything but I am always wary of glass tops. They can chip, break or crack so easily. They can also be top-heavy, which means that they tip over easily, and can be heavy. If I do have a cat, I don't want this to always fall over. At least the feet are spread apart so that it seems like it would be sturdy.

Washer/Dryer:
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/app/2507285387.html--80
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/app/25488928
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/app/2517092446.html---$200

Vacuum (because the one I have works but it sucks):

http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/app/2526081455.html----12
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/app/2517769950.html----15


Deep freezer:
http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/app/2500771128.html----40

These aren't anything spectacular, like I said, but they will do until the day I can buy brand new stuff. I am rather excited about the couches and coffee tables! And of course the idea of a portable dishwasher that you put on your counter top!It's part of the reason why I am continuing to pick up shifts at work. Before it was simply to have emergency money during the move in case something arose, but now it's because I see pretty stuff that I want. LOL! I've been doing really well at work lately. Maybe it's because I have a goal in mind, maybe it's because I have a "I don't give a shit" attitude, or maybe it's because I am thinking of these couches in the back of my mind. I should be taking more time off of work to pack and look for jobs. I am still doing online applications, but I need the money to get the stuff I want/need for my apartment. Oh the concept of a portable dishwasher excites me! I'm such a strange adult ;)

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I'm lucky to have a guy that is so supportive of me, even if he teases me a lot. He's financially supported me whenever I couldn't find a job. He doesn't care if I decide I want to go to Tricia's house and hang out or go to the bar ::gasp!:: with my co-workers after a rough night at work. He doesn't get on my case about my couponing habit, my long trips to the store or my makeup. He doesn't even get on my case about the things I post.  He CAN be annoying, and he is annoying a lot of the time, but he is still a great guy. He pretty much bends over backwards for me. Is our relationship perfect? No. We have quite a few kinks we still have to work on. Have we changed since we started dating? Yes. Have we changed since I first moved? Yes. Do I sometimes get so angry with him I want to roll his head down the hallway? Yes but we still work.  We still laugh at each other. We still have fun with each other. I have my moments when I want to kill him but there are still the moments when I want him to come home. I still want to be able to go somewhere with him. We are human and we are a normal couple. The honeymoon stage may be over, but we are still human and still normal.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

So what will go inside of it?

My manager gave me a single shift next week so I could pack up and move but he said I could pick up whatever shifts I want to work which is both good and bad. It's bad because then I won't meet my quota (and I finally got the schedule I wanted), but good because it gives me the time I need to continue to look for an apartment and job hunt. I've done three doubles in a row and then a single shift today so I didn't have time. I really need to get on the ball now. Besides, I picked up night shifts for Friday and Saturday.

While I am thinking about the apartment, I am thinking about what the hell I will put in it. The futon I had for ten years finally gave out during the move to Texas so I need a couch, maybe a love seat if I can find cheap ones. I gave a bed and tv to Kristie, one of Daylan's friends, because I didn't think I would need it anymore. Now I need to find another bed and a tv. Well, there is a bed in the warehouse so I'm pretty sure I can take one of those and I'm pretty sure I can take the tv that is in our bedroom right now. It's a decent size. I'm just worried about a couch right now. Possibly a love seat, a coffee table and maybe some end chairs.

I'm looking on craigslist and I see some that could be promising but of course I would have to measure the living room of the place I will be living at, which chances are will be the one that Dennis looked at because well it's cheap, it's within walking distance to Mikey and Dennis, it's in Val-P which is ten minutes away from everywhere I want to be and because I'm already familiar with it. Plus it has a dishwasher and a shared backyard.

These are the possible contenders for what I want to buy to fit inside the apartment.Of course I am mostly looking at the ones with pictures just so I can make sure I wouldn't be buying something hideous. I'd rather not waste money on a couch cover that may not fit. Click the links and tell me what you think!

1. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2544709966.html


2. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2559026566.html


3. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2558479740.html


4. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2558134326.html


5. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fud/2557546707.html


6. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2557202145.html


7. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2555320197.html


8. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2511093229.html


9. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2536648838.html


10. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2535794694.html

Now on to some coffee tables and end tables.

1. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2559065441.html


2. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2542768594.html


3. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2554988641.html


4. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2551991057.html


5. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2538611131.html


6. http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/fuo/2522385777.html

I will worry about the rest later on because I didn't have a lot of stuff to fill the last apartment I was in and I really don't remember what I have. Everything has been in storage for 16 months now. Some of this stuff can be really nice and I really did like that red sofa, but one of the sofas was a sleeper sofa. I'd like something that looks like it would be close to matching so it doesn't look bad. Most of the coffee tables and end tables were in a set. I really like the second selection for the coffee tables because it was a glass top but still had a shelf underneath so I could display some books.

That may be all I need for an apartment. The rest would be ornamental, as far as the living room is concerned.

My two week goal

Yesterday morning I decided to make a goal for myself. I feel I have enough money to do what I need to do. We may drive both vehicles to Florida, load them up as much as we possibly can, do a car dolly behind the durango and a small trailer behind mine. I should have enough for a security deposit and first month's rent for a place to live. I should even have enough for utilities BUT it isn't a guarantee. Right now I have $1780 and who knows how much in checks. I did just have to make a car payment and storage unit payment.

I'd be able to have more money if I wasn't putting gas in the durango. I never had to do that because we were sharing the vehicles but we have had his dad's vehicle for about a month now. Oh, Daylan added me to his car insurance so I am covered. It was an extra $150 a month while his is $300. He does have full coverage.

Anyway, I wanted extra money for the "just in case" scenario. What if we get a flat? What if gas costs more than we expected? What if, what if, what if. I decided I wanted a goal of making $600 in tips my last two weeks of work. You would think that would be easy right? Not really. I usually make a grand a month. It's not because I'm a bad server, or at least I'd like to think so. People are just cheap. Regardless, I figure it should be easy to do if I give up my Saturday night of freedom (which would be used to iron, pack, look for jobs and apartments) to work.

Well yesterday was a slow day and I still came out with $80 for a double. Today we were pretty busy but the night shift started out slow. With the exception of a couple of tables being really, really cheap on me, I still made $132! It's the most I've ever made at that restaurant---and that's sad LOL. If I didn't get lunch, put $10 in gas in the durango and go to Office Depot, I would have made $140. With that made, I've almost made my goal of $300 in a week. I am another double tomorow so if I can make $80 again, I would have made my goal for the week within a weekend.

Perhaps I should increase my end goal and see if I can push myself harder? Including tomorrow, I have 11 more days of work, and I should be doing three doubles next week. Maybe I should say my goal is $800 within two weeks. Although I didn't add yesterday's amount to my "goal" sheet. I am keeping track of what I make these last few weeks at work. If I make this new goal, I will have $2580 for the trip. Of course Daylan will help a little. He'll be covering gas for the vehicle he will be driving and possibly buy either the trailer or the dolly. That will help immensely.

In a frenzy

I know I am blogging a lot but writing helps me organize my mind.

Right now I am in a panic. It's two weeks (well 17 days including today) until my last day at work and the sooner I move to Florida after that, the better. I still have not got a call from a single job so I am coming up with a list of other places to apply at. I still stand by that I want a normal morning job and then a waitressing job during night shifts on the weekend. I still want Mondays and Wednesdays off so I can have appointments on those days, meetings with lawyers and just days to enjoy my son and my friends. I still want an 8-4 job and then a waitressing job on Friday and Saturday nights (when Tom has Gabriel) from 5-close. That way I can guarantee that I won't be broke.

But geez, finding a job is a hassle! Everyone seems to want resumes and I don't have the software to update it on my laptop. Daylan's laptop is still on the fritz. Online applications take an hour because of the stupid personality sections. I always have to lie just a bit. I'm still calling places to have them fax paper applications over to me in hopes that this will help me but I'm drawing blanks.

So far these are the places I still have to call for applications or places I need to do online apps: Buffalo Wild Wings, TGI Fridays, Barnes and Nobles, JC Penny, Sears, Dillards, Bealls (although I don't remember Bealls being busy?), McAllister's, Applebee's, Chili's, Apec Resorts, Comfort Inn (or any kind of hotel), Food Depot, Publix (since I worked there when I was 22).....where else????

If only I could be Mary Poppins and simply snap my fingers...

I feel much better than I was feeling last night, but I still have some residual feelings looming around in general. At least I am not as down and sobbing like yesterday. That was just a rough day. So here have been today's activities.

Dennis looked at an apartment for me. He says it is the same apartment complex that Rob was living at so I am very familiar with it. It's a 2br place that is $550 a month. It has a backyard that I would be sharing and a dishwasher. The washer/dryer hook ups are in the spare bedroom but overall it is a decent sized place. Dennis recommended that over the upstairs unit that doesn't have the yard and barely any extra space. The unit is a little over 800sqft. I think it's 862 if you want to get technical. Now from what he said, there is a good possibility that they will rent to me even though I don't have a job yet (since I am still in Texas). Now I just need a damn job!!

I called the lawyer's office, yet again since no one has bothered to return my phone calls (what is it with these people? The lawyer doesn't return my calls, jobs don't return my calls, apartment complexes don't return my calls), and once again he is busy but I was able to speak to the secretary. I've dealt with her before and while she is nice and pleasant, discussing anything with her is anything but. Here is the general conversation.
Her: what can I help you with?
Me: I called last week and left a message. I called on Monday and left a message and no one called me back so now I am calling again in response to the letter I got in the mail.
Her: I sent a letter last week. Did you get it?
     Did she not just hear what I said?
Me: Yes, I got it last week....which is why I am calling again.
Her: Ok, we already mailed off a response in defense but we will need to have a meeting with you.
Me: Ok, well I am not sure when a physical meeting can occur since I won't be in town till the beginning part of September.
Her: That's fine. How about next week?
     Yeah, because teleportation is obviously a skill that I possess. 
Me: I won't be in the area till the beginning part of September.
Her: So are you on your way with Gabriel to Colorado?
Me: No, like I said in the cover sheet to the fax, I am in TEXAS. Gabriel is still in FLORIDA because I have not got the paperwork for him to leave the state yet. Last year Mr. Campbell wanted me to have paperwork to show the cities side by side to prove that Texas is a safe place but when I drew it up and had printed evidence he said it wasn't needed. He said my best bet was to move back to Florida. Well I finally got a job and put in my two week notice. My last day of work won't be till September 4th.
Her: So next week won't be good?
     She is brilliant, isn't she? It's like she has either a ton of wax in her ears or just a tunnel going from one ear to the other.
Me: No. I won't have an exact date that I will be in the state till later but when I do I will call you.
Her: So how long will you be here on your visit?
     When did I mention visit? I mentioned MOVE.
Me: I'm moving back for however long it takes to get the proper paperwork so that Gabriel can MOVE with me.
Her: Oh, then that is a different story. When would be a good time to call you about a phone meeting.
    NOW we are getting somewhere!
Me: Well I work doubles tomorrow and Friday and I work till 4 or 5 the rest of the week. I just don't know exactly when I will get off.
Her: So can we call you Friday at 4:30?
Me: No because I don't know if I am getting off at 4, 5 or anytime in between.
     Did I NOT just say that???
Her: So when next week will be a good time to call?
Me: I am off Mondays and Wednesdays so you can call anytime on those two days.
Her: Ok, how about Wednesday at 2?
Me: That's fine. I do think I know why Tom is waiting this long to do anything. He just recently got remarried and I believe she wants to legally adopt Gabriel but the only way she can do that is if Tom has my parental rights dissolved. He never tried to file anything for the entire year I have been in Texas.
Her: Well that isn't possible for them to do, if that is the case, unless you roll over and play dead and you clearly won't be doing that.
     Finally, something useful she has to say!
Me: That's the only thing I can think of. Well thank you. I'll call back on Wednesday, the 24th.

Daylan also got word about the Colorado thing. They still are not offering him the GM position, but they want to offer the next step down. He would be the head assistant manager on a trial basis to see how well he could perform and how well the store would be if he were to be in charge. From the sound of it, he would be making exactly what he is making now, maybe a dollar more or two an hour and that is not worth the move. He would actually have to pay rent so he would be making less than he is making now. Now if he can talk them into $13 an hour then he would consider it, especially if Cory decides to be his roommate. Still, as it stands, I told Daylan to say thanks but no thanks. It just isn't worth the hassle. If they do accept his offer, then maybe it will be a possibility. We have to sit down and figure out the finances before we commit to anything. I doubt they would say yes. They didn't say yes to him being a GM even though they flew him up there to begin with.

So this move is getting down to the wire. Now is the time I need to actually start packing and now is when I need to pull an extra shift, such as a Saturday night, to get extra money together for last minute stuff. Geez, well it's 2.5weeks away but still! UGH. I have about $1700 in cash and $500ish in paychecks (I still have on to pick up from work) but I am still worried that it won't be enough money. I really hope I can find a job soon! I am hoping to make close to $300 this week. It will be hard to do, but if I can do that two weeks in a row, it will be $600 plus whatever extra shifts I can pick up. Plus one paycheck, maybe one more before I leave. God, I hope I have enough money! I have to worry about the gas to get back for two vehicles (Daylan would cover one vehicle), the trailer and dolly to be towed behind each, the security and first month rent for an apartment, utilites being turned on...God I hope I have enough! If I can have $3000 between tips and checks then maybe it will do. And man I need a job, pronto!

Dream Tracker

More than likely you all have never seen the movie Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. I was never a Final Fantasy person. In fact I've never played a single game. Back in 2001, I thought the computer graphics for the movie were outstanding so I bought the movie. Truth be told, I haven't watched the movie in ten years, but one part of the movie has stuck with me. Watch the clip from 2:10 and up to a few seconds afterwards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEp0bU3ZoP8

There is a machine in the movie that records your dreams for you. If memory serves, you were able to watch your dreams as many times as you wished. In the movie, I think that is how the bad guy figured something out about the heroine as far as the planet they were searching on (for the lack of better words). Regardless on if my memory is correct or not, that part of the movie, which reoccurs throughout the movie, made me wish that we were advanced like that to have a machine that would "recover/restore" dreams.

I have so many dreams that are weird, exciting, enlightening that I wish I could keep track of them. I tried to do a dream journal but within a few minutes of being awake, the dream became fuzzy. Stuff that made sense in the dream suddenly didn't make sense and I'd forget the key elements. Only certain factors would stick out, like the fact that last night's dream had a guy that looked remarkably like Nick Davis, a guy I went to high school with. I haven't spoken to him in ten years.

Oh how remarkable it would be if I could go back and watch the dreams I've had whenever I was bored! How amazing it would be! Think of the clarity you could have about yourself. And imagine, I could watch all those dreams I've had about Taylor Lautner (the actor who plays Jacob Black in the Twilight movies) over and over and over again :)

All around disappointing day

Sorry for the blue mood but it just seems as though I can't catch a break. The only good thing to happen is that Dennis is going to look at an apartment for me tomorrow, but there is a good possibility that they won't rent to me since I still don't have a job in Florida. At least someone answered their phone and is willing to make an appointment for someone else since I told them that I am still currently residing in Texas.

Turns out that Daylan didn't get the job in Colorado and that upsets me to no end. I'm both angry and extremely sad about it. From what Daylan said to me, they said he didn't have the years of experience that they were looking for. How can that be when he's been an assistant manager for four years? He has the experience to where training him would be easy! Why pay for the tickets to fly him to Colorado and spend the money needed to put him in a hotel if they knew this? They had his resume and they saw that he was an assistant manager. Why would the head hauncho tell Daylan to tell me to start looking for apartments there? Even Cory said that this was a done deal! I even put my two week notice in today before I left work.

I was really looking forward to going to Colorado when things were said and done in Florida. I don't want to think of the possibility of coming back to San Angleo. I don't see his family often because there is always something going on so the only good thing about San Angelo is Tricia. I don't want to leave her and I'll miss her dearly but the majority of my friends are back at home. Everything I know is there and I need to be home for a little while before I have to venture somewhere else. I don't want to come back here. Texas isn't the problem but there isn't anything in San Angelo for me. I just spend my time stuck in the house like I did before. At least I can get out and work.

I was looking forward to cooler temperatures, more stuff to do, places to go and better job opportunities. Now I just have to look forward to coming back to this shit hole and as it is standing, I'm not even sure I'll be coming back.

Daylan just tried to get me to have sex again. He pulled out the massage lotion, my anal plug (yes I know, TMI) and my rabbit right as I told him I was going to put more applications in and that he should do the same. He followed me into the bedroom thinking I was joking.

What part of my not wanting to have sex does he not get? Oh and no we haven't had the talk yet. We were working separate shifts over the weekend. Monday was spent trying to get the house in order so his dad could come and fix our toilet but he didn't show up. We both worked today but then his dad came to do the toilet (which is finally working). Daylan wanted to watch Little Fockers and he wanted to sit behind me but he kept trying to put his hands on my breasts instead of just over my chest so I kept moving his hands, which made him mad. "They are mine and I am allowed to touch them." Um, last I checked, they were a part of MY body and if I don't want them touched, then they will not be touched. Fuck this "Possession is 9/10th of the law" nonsense. It's my damn tits and they are 100% of my possession. You didn't buy them (they are real) so they are not yours.

So now I am back here putting online applications in crying because I am just so damned frustrated. To make it worse, Daylan posted garbage last night with "Seriously? This is why I play so many video games." Tonight he posts ".....what is the point in even trying????" Why is he even posting this where everyone can see it?!? I don't even do that.

I asked him to start looking for jobs in Florida because I've already moved for him. I was even getting ready for another move for him. It's time for him to move for me. I do not like it here and it's brought me so much unhappiness because I'm so far away from everyone. I don't even want to go to Grammie's house to pick up coupons alone because she wants to talk forever and she is nosey. I am not a family oriented person. The only friend I hang out with is Tricia and that is because she is closer to my age, she isn't into partying, she is the most like me at work and because everyone else seems...fake. There just aren't a lot of things about this place that bring any kind of happiness out of me.

He always says he will look but after one day of "looking" he says "There aren't any jobs in Florida" and then he stops. I'm not even expecting him to even try to look because he has no interest in going back to Florida. Fuck him. Right now I am so angry at him and about the whole Colorado situation. Supposedly they have something else to offer him, but it's not a GM position. They may offer him another assistant manager position but the pay won't be worth moving. There isnt' a chance of him moving up here. There are three managers ahead of him in his store alone and there are four stores in the city. He's been there two years and he still HAS NOT been getting his bonus checks. There is no chance of us getting better if he stays with the company in San Angelo.

So back to doing online applications.