Just a little jealous

I found out that one of my friends, Melissa, is pregnant today. I would say that it seems to be in the water. My friends are all popping up to be pregnant within a few months of each other. Of course that statement is ridiculous because I have close to 200 friends on Facebook. Most of the females are married so surely they will have babies. It doesn't mean that I won't be a little jealous from time to time.

Melissa has been married for two months. Part of me was hoping she wouldn't get pregnant immediately because I had such a hard time in my marriage. Four months into it and I was pregnant. It was true that I was trying, but I really should have thought about it deeper. I thought we were ready. We were old enough, Tom was in the Army, I was working and there weren't any reasons why it shouldn't work out. I don't even remember when but Tom wasn't in the Army anymore and we were working jobs that weren't paying a whole hell of a lot. Not to mention that the hormones had me a bit crazy. Things just got in the way and I left when Gabriel was three months old. My year anniversary was spent when I was 8 months pregnant.

Hopefully things will be different for Melissa. The stress of money and pregnancy won't get in the way. Family will stay where they need to be and not get overly involved like what happened to me. She will still be able to do things. They will be able to do things together. Babysitters won't be a problem. Scheduling won't be a problem. I can only hope that things will be far easier for her than they were for me.

With that said, I am jealous. She is pregnant. Gabriel's Aunt Jennie just entered her second trimester with her third child. It makes me wish that things were more stable for Daylan and I. I haven't been able to get a job for six months and we are living off of his pay. If we were paying for rent, we would be screwed. If I had a job, I would be actively planning our wedding. As it stands, we don't know when we will be married yet. We had a date for April 15th, but now we just aren't sure. I have to move back to Florida for a year and maybe we will just get married in Florida before I move back to Texas. Hearing about other people's pregnancies make me wish I didn't have my IUD in. Holding two newborns in the past two months really makes me wish I could do that all the time.

Part of that is guilt because Gabriel is still in Florida. Once I get there, I plan on making up for all the lost time I've been in Texas. I can do the relocation paperwork properly. Part of me wishes that I could have another child to start over with and be the mom (for both of them) I should have been the whole time. It isn't that I don't love Gabriel but I mentally haven't been as around as I should have been. I had too much help that I fell back on. I'm definitely hoping that when I am in Florida again that I can get everyone to understand that I need to do it on my own this time.

I understand that now is not a good time to be pregnant. It is the reason why I've had my IUD for almost three years. I am hoping that within another two to three more years I will be able to take this out and feel comfortable in the idea of having another baby. Hopefully two more within a close period of time. I just need to get myself to that place where this can happen. I also need to get myself married.