I can't help but feel a little sad today and a little lost. My life is so easy right now but I have so much underlying stress that I'm not sure what to do. Do I get the crappy fast food job even though I swore I would never work with food again? Do I get it just to work for two or three months only to quit and move? I don't even know what kind of job I'd get in FL so I don't know what kind of apartment to get. Obviously it would have to be along the cheaper price point but I don't want to live in a crap apartment. I'm afraid that whatever job I do get here isn't going to help much because I'm sure I owe money in FL. Will I earn enough to cover what I owe so I can start off debt free there? Probably not but I'm hoping to be able to at least get the utilities turned on.
I know none of this is going to flow well but my mind is just racing.
I invited two friends over for dinner. It's really the only two "friends" I have left in San Angelo. It's Kristie and Desiree. Daylan and Kristie work together. She is his best friend here. Desiree is her girlfriend. I've asked Desiree on Facebook twice if she wanted to come. If my phone were working, I would have sent a text. I haven't had a response. She did send a response today but either Facebook is being a pain or she deleted it which looks like she didn't bother to respond. I keep getting a gut feeling that it just isn't happening. I even asked Kristie and the look she gave me puzzled me a bit. I just don't have high hopes about having a dinner with "friends".
I know I shouldn't take everything so personal but at they could at least give me the common courtesy to say no. I don't want to have food prepared, just in case they do show up, only to find out that I'm still only cooking for Daylan and myself. I'm afraid I will break down and cry if that happens because my eyes are filling with tears as I write this. It wouldn't be this way if I wasn't so isolated here.
I really am isolated. I'm in this house all day long every day. All I do is sit on the internet, watch tv, iron and cook. I have no where to go and no one to hang out with. I was friends with Priscilla, but I got tired of her lies. Because that friendship ended, it was hard to stay friends with Beaux and Eric since they still hung out with her. It was especially awkward finding out she was at Fast Eddies. I was friends with Prisilla but she made some snide comment on FB about how rude I was for saying that the world was not ending (to her brother when he was posting about the apocalypse of 2012). She thought I wouldn't see it so that was the end of that. It wasn't only that. She would yell at Daylan at work and it sounded like she was abusing her power at Sonic. If she wasn't married to Joe (Daylan's boss), she wouldn't be acting the way that she does. Kristie and Desiree, to my knowledge, have no reason to dislike me, but I just have this feeling that they wont' be coming to dinner, which will give me some sort of message. There isn't even much to do. Since I don't have a job, which is also my fault, I haven't been able to meet people but not having a license is going to hinder me getting a job.
Geez I am just frustrated today.
Not to mention that I don't feel sexy. Daylan and I have put on weight here and because of that, I don't see him as sexy. I don't even feel sexy so when he wants to get frisky, I am completely turned off by it. He has gotten annoying lately and I do have some resentment towards him. If he put as much effort into going out or helping me with the house as he does in playing those damn video games, half the issue would go away. He is making an effort to walk with me but it's a half-hearted effort. The only thing he does is he dries the dishes as I wash them. If I really get on his case, he will pick up the living room but he won't clean it. He won't vacuum. He throws his clothes everywhere knowing that I am the one who has to iron everything. Yes, he is the one who is working. I should be the one who keeps the house clean, who irons, who cooks but he doesn't make everything else easy. He also thinks I am going to perk right up for sex and I just don't feel sexy. I don't feel like having sex. His stamina has been lacking so he just has been having sex so he can come quick. I don't really get anything out of it anymore. How can I have sex if I feel horrible, feel disgusting and know I will be lying there feeling unsatisfied by the sexual experience?
What happened to the days when sex was the one thing on my mind? I wanted sex three or four times a day and moving here has drained that out of me. I always wanted him touching me. Now I can't stand when he spanks me, or pinches me. I can't stand him always humping me. I use to want his hands on me at all times. I use to want nothing more but to kiss him. Now kissing leads to sex and I just don't want it. I use to like it when he would pinch my butt when no one was looking. Now I just think it is childish. I could have been a homebody for him but now that I am one....it just isn't working.
Today is just a frustrating day. I'm lonely. I'm mad. I'm wanting to be around people. I am wanting friends around. I want to go places. I'm sick and tired of his work schedule. Today is just a bad day. I don't even want to cook, so it's a pizza night. I don't even want to iron though I know I should. I'm only halfway done and it took me three hours to iron the first half of the laundry. The only thing I have to look forward to is going to Hastings, watching Lie To Me with Daylan with a fire going and going to watch HellRaiser right now. He got the Netflix account to work on that wretched 360.
So now I will end the bitching and go back to how I was feeling when I first woke up.
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