My realizations for today

Today is Daylan's Mamaw's (his great grandmother) 92nd birthday so we were obligated to make an appearance. It was a very last minute thing so I was rushing to shower, put makeup on and get dressed. He kept telling me not to worry about it and to just throw something on but I knew people were going to take pictures. I don't imagine Mamaw being around for much longer so cameras are usually around for every visit. There isn't anything physically wrong with her. She just has no energy. She can't remember much and her spirit seems to be dwindling now that she is in a nursing home rather than a senior citizen living facility. Sure enough, I was right. It's a good thing I tried to make myself presentable.

I remember when I first moved here, I made an effort to speak. People who are acquainted with me know I talk. A lot. People who really know me know it takes me a while to get to that point, but when I do I don't shut up. It isn't the case at Grammie's house. It isn't the case at really anyone's house (that is related to him). I would try to talk but Grammie always seems to dominate every conversation. If it isn't her then it is Daylan's newest step-mother, Kathy. Yup, number four. It seems to be a  nickname from time to time amongst the kids. There just isn't a chance that I could get more than three sentences out within a half hour period there.

The thing is, I thought I was being slick. I'd say enough, here and there, to make it seem like I was still being polite and part of the conversation. Apparently I'm not as slick as I thought I was. Grammie's long time friend, Sandra, noticed it pretty quickly.

From May up until the beginning of August, I use to go to Grammie's every Sunday. Daylan and I would have Sunday brunch, we'd sit and talk and then Daylan would leave me while he went to work. I'd play hand and foot there. Before I knew it, Daylan's dad was running his mouth. I was evil, manipulative, money hungry, no good, conniving and a liar. I was allegedly all sorts of things. Of course Daylan texted his dad and Kathy back to say that it was all a lie and Kathy believed her husband. We use to do laundry there every week and have dinner with them. Before I knew it, she was banging on our bedroom door at 8am saying "Real friends don't do that." Daylan is with me everywhere I go and he told her that he had no idea what she was yelling about. She was even throwing stuff at him. Soon after, Daylan's grandparents hated me. It even went so far that his mom called Grammie to see what the hell was going on and she told Daylan that Grammie's exact words were that "She should go back to Florida and not come back." This was the night before I was supposed to fly to Florida. Even Daylan's sister was defending me and she doesn't particularly like me. Since then, I rarely go over around any of them and even when I do, I don't talk. I've tried since then, but I keep having that instance in the back of my mind and it causes me to shut up all over again.

Sandra noticed. I've only seen her three of four times since I've been here but she picked up on it immediately. We were talking about how I haven't played Hand and Foot since the beginning of August and she said "I've noticed you haven't been coming around much." I told her it all started with Greg (Daylan's dad) and then immediately said that feelings were still high so I avoided everyone completely till things cooled down. "I've also noticed you don't talk to anyone anymore but you still nod and smile." What can I say to that? Sorry, I'll try harder next time?

Another thing is that I was in the mood to watch some porn. I use to love it, until I came back from Florida at the beginning of September. I hadn't watched it since until today. Man, quality has gone down a bunch. The girl was thicker. She wasn't fat but she was thicker and they tried to pass her off as being eighteen. She had to have been my age. She had a huge tongue ring that was just so obvious. She was bleach blonde but in horrible need to have her dark brown roots touched up. They also didn't bother to give her nice makeup like they did for the title girl. The original girl had her hair done, professional makeup done, false lashes and manicured acrylic nails. She was beautiful. This girl was trailer trash. The only words out of her mouth was "This eighteen year old ass" and things of that nature. It was bad advertising. Not only that, she had a horrible boob job. She had a large cup, but she was flat. It was almost like her implants were deflated. You could also see her scars underneath and going up to her nipple. Geez, I hope not every woman has scars like hers. She should have got her money back for that job. Oh, I forgot to mention, she was in pigtails to try to look the part of an eighteen year old girl. At least the guy looked good, minus the yellow Slim Shady hair color. At least he had a six back, nice butt and was well endowed. I bet in his head he was thinking "God how did I end up with this girl? They better pay me double!"

God, what trash. That was supposed to be a new movie too. I think I'm done with porn all together. Nothing about it was enjoyable for me anymore. Daylan ruined that months ago. Now I just see porn for everything that it is. I think I'll stick with romance scenes in chick flicks if I need some mental stimulation, or I'll just imagine Dean from the show Supernatural.