Today should have been my wedding day to Daylan. I thought about that off and on today. I would have been in a white dress saying my vows and I would be on my honeymoon as I write this (on my period). Before I go into my day, I want to go over a brief response as to how we are doing.
We haven't discussed what happened last night. He's just laughing it off. I'm not as jubilant as he is about it but I'm not as angry as I was last night. I still don't think we are where we should be for us to get married. It's not that I'm unhappy, but we definitely aren't where we were when I first moved here or when we first got together. It's a lot of work to maintain that level of happiness. I thought that getting a job would help, and it does to an extent, but a lot of my frustrations do come from work. I may complain for a moment, but I usually don't take that home. Any anger I have towards Daylan comes from Daylan. He hasn't grown up any. I'm trying to get into cooking, into couponing, I want to get into gardening (so we can lower our grocery bill further), I do makeup as a hobby and I am working but he hasn't progressed any. My three problems with Daylan: his video game habit, the fact that he is messy (and still thinks that he shouldn't have to help clean even though I am working just as much as him now), and the fact that he won't stop poking/pinching, grabbing etc. It's annoying and most of the time is irritates me to the point that I don't even want to look at him. "No" and "stop" doesn't register to him. He stopped trying to have sex, and right now that is what I need. It hasn't been making me happy so not having to say no isn't giving me any emotional discomfort.
I want us to do more together. All we do is watch tv together. We don't have deep conversations (although we talk and laugh), we don't read together, go for walks together, hang out with friends, play board games,work out together, shoot we rarely leave the house together. There aren't little road trips close by. We don't go exploring. There are pottery stuff here. Painting. I'm sure there are even paint ball fields. He loves first person shooter games so surely he has to be interested in paintball. I just can't ever get him to want to do anything at all. He is pretty much my only friend here and I want to be able to do something from time to time. Surely he has stuff he wants to do. He has to have interests and hobbies. It just seems like video games is the only thing he is interested in. It's been a huge part of his life for so long....I don't think he even knows what he is interested in anymore. If it doesn't involve video games or tv shows, he is clueless. I really do believe that. He has no hobbies and that worries me. It's another reason why right now is not a good time to get married. I can't be the only one who has stuff I want to do or try.
We still joke around with each other and when we are driving somewhere, we have fun. In fact, we laugh more when we are on our way somewhere, like Hastings or Walgreens, then we do anywhere else. We do watch shows together and movies together, but it is not as often as it use to be. Part of that is because I am working now. We still cuddle from time to time, but it's been getting hot in the house again. If we run the A/C, our bill sky rockets, so we try to sleep with one fan on us without a blanket (or at least a single bed sheet) so cuddling is out of the question. We have basic conversations, but we don't talk about hopes, dreams or goals because it just seems that all he wants to talk about is Sonic and video games. There isn't talk of the future right now because I don't think he sees that far ahead. He says he wants to go to school as a culinary artist and study under the best so he can open his own restaurant, but I think he says it just to say it. He just wants to live there. Living in San Angelo wouldn't be horrible, since housing is cheap, but I don't know if I want to move back to San Angelo. Texas isn't the problem.
I'm just concerned about our future. What happens when I move back to Florida? What will our skype conversations be about? Sonic? Video games? Will I be the only one visiting? Is it going to be my waiting on him to come home during these visits and then watching tv or will we actually be doing stuff?
It's just not a good time for us to be married. We aren't in a stage in our relationship where I can comfortably say that we would last forever. Let's not forget that I don't know where this money would be coming from. The money I'm making is going towards my moving back, finding a place to stay in FL, getting what I owe paid off and hopefully having some left over money just in case. Who knows when he will be managing Mr. T's. This process is taking forever. I think they are still negotiating prices, and that has been going on since...Christmas? Who knows. Until he starts working there, he can't put money away. Yes, he will save money when I move (no groceries which are $70 a week) but he will also be buying video games more since I won't be around to say no. Money for a wedding definitely is an issue because I want an actual wedding.
Gosh, so much needs to be fixed with us. It's not just him but so much basic work needs to be done on us so we can get back to that lovey dovey place we once were.
Man, you guys are like an old married couple already!
ReplyDeleteNo, but in all seriousness, I'm really sorry that things aren't turning out the way you had hoped they would when you first moved to TX/got engaged/hell, even started dating. It is so hard when you are in a relationship to not fall into a rut; especially when your outside options are so limited.
Maybe you could try pulling the "ole switcharoo" on Daylan and asking him "honey, I've been noticing lately that you just aren't the same person as when we started dating (or whatever), are you sure you aren't depressed or anything?" Or something like that. Maybe there is something going on in his head that he isn't consciously aware of until you point it out.
I don't know what your day to day conversations are like, but that's what I say to Ruben when he becomes "moody." That way he doesn't feel like I'M always the expressing how I'M feeling and not asking him about the way HE feels. I don't know. I hope things get better soon!
Maybe you guys just might need some time apart to figure out what it is that you want not only in a relationship, but what you want for yourself and for your life.
Hope everything works out the way it is supposed to!
Well I already went through a bout of depression out here. It wasn't the move. It was just not having anyone to talk to out here. Trust me, he is completely happy not leaving the house (except to go to work) and playing video games in his free time. That has never changed. I do plan on going back to Florida for a year (to tie up loose ends) so we will have plenty of time apart. I'm hoping we can finally get the money together to have an actual wedding.
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