He got married

I found out yesterday that my first love got married yesterday. If I hadn't have had a mutual friend post on his wall, I would have found out today when he changed his relationship status. Before anyone had it set in their mind that I am either extremely happy or extremely sad about this, I want to clarify that I am right in the middle. My emotions are Switzerland right now.

Everything I feel, that is bad, wouldn't be felt if it weren't my fault. When I was 19, I admitted to him without any cohesion, that I cheated on him twice. Many of my friends said that I should have taken that to my grave, but it was something I felt he should know about. If I hadn't have cheated, or told him about it, we would have been married back in 2006. It was awkward for both of us when he came to visit and I was halfway through a pregnancy in 2005 but what could we do? A friendship was pretty strained around that point in time. We just hadn't really spoken in years so getting a conversation basics going was hard to do.

When I was younger, I liked the idea of knowing that my ex's weren't with anyone else after me even though I was moving on. I felt validated. I don't feel that way now. While it does hurt me on some level that Chris is married, I knew he was engaged since last March. It wasn't news to me. After all, I got engaged before him. I was dating Daylan before he was dating Elise. On some level, I am really happy for him. He hadn't dated anyone for years after me. He had some fling with a girl but it just wasn't worth his time. As far as I know, she is his first serious relationship since me, and I'm glad that he finally was able to find happiness in someone else the way he was able to find happiness in me. He spent a lot of time alone getting to know himself. Shoot, we broke up back in 2002?

Yes, I will admit that I still do miss him and I still do have some level of love for him, but he has changed a lot. He isn't the person I was with when I was 17-19years old. It was part of the reason why a conversation was so awkward and strained. We did meet after Daylan and I had just started dating almost three years ago. We met in McDonald's while Gabriel played in the playground and we went to the pet store. We also talked in the parking lot while Gabriel was napping in the car. It just validated that while we were able to actually talk that time, things were very different. I am in love with the memory of us from ten years ago but I'm not in love with him now. Chris Weimer ten years ago is different from the Chris Weimer of today and that isn't a bad thing. It's just that people change as times goes on. I will also admit that I still have an attraction to him when I see his pictures. What people need to realize is when you loved someone, you will always have a sort of attraction or love for them. Those emotions don't go away, they just change. I still have love for Tom, I just wouldn't ever be with him again. I tried that route with him several times.

I really do hope he has a great life with Elise. Obviously he wouldn't have married her if he didn't love her and see a future with her. He also wouldn't have married her if his family didn't approve of her. Who knows, maybe years down the road we can be friends again. We will both be married and happy. Maybe he will have a baby by then and I will (again) as well. Friends can be friends if there are commonalities in their lives, but I'm not going to push it. You never know.

So a part of me is sad but part of me is really happy about the whole thing. I don't ever wish unhappiness to someone. Usually if I am sad about something, it is because I am playing the "What If" game or I am remembering how things were. Who knows, Chris and I could have got married and ended up divorced just like Tom and I did. Or if Tom and I really continued our marriage again, who is to say we would be happy? I can't just assume my life would be perfect. Something would have happened and I probably would be with Daylan anyway. He is where my life should be right now, and trust me that isn't a bad thing.

Congratulations to Chris Weimer and his new wife Elise Thomasson. It's now time for me to get dressed for work :)