Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The drive is gone

I'm taking a pretty huge risk by posting this because I try not to blog about something really personal in my life. My blog is still semi-public. I say this because I don't always post links. I use to have public blogs and I really liked how people seemed to interact through it. My writing use to be pretty good and people would relate. They would give me advice or say that something I wrote seemed like it was advice for them. I just haven't decided if I want to go and do that again and I've been battling with this decision for quite some time. I realize that if this was just a personal blog that I could write whatever I wanted. I also know I could just create a new blog with JUST my personal stuff.

I already have to find a way to convert my blogs from myspace out of there. I don't want to have to deal with tons of blogs. I still have a blog from a different site. Eventually I want to combine them all and print them from the very beginning. If I made a separate blog, it would be hard to piece it all together in order.

There are some people who I know read my blog, like Vicki. There are aspects of my life right now that I am embarrassed of and it people would take the meaning of it the wrong way. I also know blogging about something of this nature could upset a lot of people. I guess this is just going to be a post that I won't post the link for. Maybe it will be forgotten in the sea of posts in this particular blog.

My sex drive seems to virtually be gone. Or maybe it's not gone and it just isn't there for Daylan. I'm sure it is the latter since there has been someone at work that has awoken the drive, I just haven't acted on it.

To make a long story short, I use to love having sex with my fiance. I wanted it all the time and would be a nuisance trying to get it. He never did seem to mind most of the time. My feelings in general changed when I visited Florida for the first time. I was trying to get paperwork together to get Gabriel to move to Texas. Because I was still unmarried, living with my fiance and didn't have a job, it was going to be hard to move my son away from his father, who had a job even if he was still living with his parents, and both sets of grandparents. I paid my lawyer $1500 for him to tell me that I pretty much needed to move back to Florida. I never heard from him again. Daylan was against the idea when I said that we (yes we) should move back. I told him that he doesn't get to pick and choose his battles when it comes to my son, soon to be his step-son. If he is engaged to me, then he is fully committed to my son as well. The issue was I needed a job in Texas to get money to move to Florida. It took another seven months to find a job. After I came back from that trip, I fell into a depression that lasted a month. Daylan just didn't see anything beyond himself. I didn't want to hug anyone, kiss anyone, talk to anyone and all he wanted was sex because I was home after two weeks. I never really got out of that funk until I got a job so for seven months I just walked around here.

During the depression when I wouldn't have sex, he started watching porn a lot....with me in the house. Or I would wake up early to watch him watch porn with it muted. Or he would watch porn while we would have sex and not pay attention to it. I use to love porn and from that day on my view of porn has never been the same. I guess I should have expected it. What is a guy to do? Who really knew how long I was going to feel down?

It wasn't only that. I didn't like how I was looking. Because of the extreme heat, I couldn't bear to walk outside. Even when it wasn't too hot, early mornings or late in the afternoon, people would drive crazy around my house. Daylan was always at work and when he was at home, all he wanted to do was play video games. I was virtually alone with no one to talk to. I am by no means fat, but I am definitely not as skinny as I was in Florida and Daylan couldn't understand that. He's let himself go as well and some of the sexual attraction disappeared. How can I find someone else attractive when I don't find myself attractive? He thought I was crazy but I suggested him to walk with me so we could do something bonding. He wouldn't even walk a quarter of a mile with me before he went back to playing video games.

Notice the distaste when I mention the god damn video games?

The biggest problem is that sex just isn't enjoyable anymore. At all. Daylan went from a partner who could last at least half an hour to a partner who couldn't even last longer than five minutes. What is the point? I still am not even close to reaching an orgasm when he has his. When he has his, that's it. Game over. He isn't the kind of guy that can go two or three more rounds. It's not that simple with women. There isn't an on/off switch. I should take it as a compliment that sex with me is so good that he can not contain himself, but there have been times when I've asked him to hold out as long as possible, but five minutes (if that) after starting and he is done.

It's got to the point where I get mad. I get dressed or lock myself in the bathroom to shower. I don't want him talking to me, touching me or anything because I get so angry. Why should it only be enjoyable for him? If I can't get mine, why should he get his? So we go a month or two without sex because I don't want it. I don't want something that isn't going to be enjoyable for me. He gets mad about it. I don't even want to kiss him because kissing leads to touching which leads to sex and I don't want any of it because I know the inevitable path!

I mean am I supposed to fake an orgasm? Am I supposed to just lay there?

I can't even fake an orgasm anymore.

Daylan got mad at me tonight. He mentioned that he was going to make me wear something sexy and I denied it. We watched Suckerpunch instead. When the movie was over, he came over to the couch and tried to kiss and touch me. I turned my head. He stood up and I proceeded to march to the bedroom.

How can a relationship survive if one partner doesn't even want to engage in sexual activities with the fiance? I want to have more kids but that requires sex. I don't want to always associate sex to be a negative thing. I long for the time when it was fun. I'm sure the more I have sex with Daylan the longer his stamina would be.

Even now, Daylan tried to take the laptop off my lap and I gave him an evil glance. He turned around, walked into the living room and said "Whatever." This is something he always does! I already know what he wants. How many times do I have to say no? Until my sex drive comes back, I don't foresee myself saying yes anytime soon.

It's just I don't want him touching me because it leads to kissing. Kissing leads to sex. Sex leads to me being angry and unsatisfied and I would rather bypass the whole damn mess. Daylan has been getting better about not being pushy as often, but once he gets the bug, he will bother me several times within that day thinking I will give in.

Is there something wrong with me? I should want to have sex with my fiance.

3 comments:

  1. Girl, you should NEVER be embarrassed or ashamed of anything that you write!I honestly just enjoy reading your blogs :) No ulterior motive or anything else.

    And no, there is nothing wrong with you...at all. Could it be possible, although you love Daylan, that you are not IN love with him anymore?? You have made referencein your blogs in the past that you felt like you were getting older, your priorities were changing, you had no interest in the stuff you used to, etc. Maybe you find yourself "outgrowing" Daylan and wanting more for yourself (as far as what you want in a life partner and future step-father for your son)

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  2. Your blog is the only one i actively search out on a daily basis to read. Its so real. No beating around the bush, no bs just what you're thinking and going through and it refreshing because i can relate.

    I also agree with what Vickie said. You may be at a point now where you're so comfortable in your relationship that you cant see yourself not being a part of it, but the excitement is just not there anymore and your relationship has become stale. This could be a phase you are going through, but it might not be. You are a gorgeous woman who deserves a man that focuses on you just as much if not more than he focuses on himself. If Daylan has stresses in his life this could be a blame, but even overlooking that, its not fair to you that hes acting like this. Gabriel needs to have you in his life and if Daylan is being difficult when it comes to the current situation and moving back to Florida, then hes not accepting Gabriel, and you two are a package deal .

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  3. Daylan really has no stresses in his life right now. I am just so bored right now! I do agree that I'm not really happy here. I have made a few friends here, one of which I am really close to at my job, but the majority of my friends are NOT here. Daylan just plays video games. Our time together is spent watching movies in the living room. There isn't a whole lot to do here and he isn't really willing to do anything outside of the house.

    I did tell him that I want to sit down and have a talk with him about last night. It's just so stupid! He gets his panties up in a bunch because I don't want to have sex and he acts like this is a brand new occurance and not something that has been going on for a year.

    Sometimes, Vicki, I wonder if you are right. I do love Daylan but sometimes I wonder if I am still in love with him. It's just I've been with him for 3.5yrs (4yrs in Feb) and he's done so much to financially support me since I've been here. There is a tinge of obligation. I just want to be out of Texas!

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